The Chatter

Do you ever catch yourself having a fictitious argument with someone in your head? The kind of conversation where you've got both sides going? Usually happens when we're doing something that doesn't require our full attention, like in the shower or driving or even just brushing our teeth.

Well let me start by saying that several years ago I nicknamed this particularly salty voice in my head, The Chatter. An interesting thing happens once we name something; it tends to get much more of our attention initially, almost like a welcome friend (Oh hello lovely, welcome back to our sh#tty morning). Once we put a name to the voice, we get much more familiar with it, and we learn it's tricks & quirks: Oh you're just looking to stir things up because we were enjoying some blissful quiet or, oh you're trying to prepare us for some drama, how kind (insert eyeball roll). But once we bring it out into the open and understand why it shows up, it eventually loses power. And that's when we can modify it into something helpful.

Despite all the hullabaloo about positivity & happiness, we're actually wired for protection. In fact, we're meant to experience comfort & reward only after we've navigated pain & discomfort!! Why am I wrecking your good mood with this gloomy info? Because we need to understand that our attention is naturally meant to be pulled toward the negative so that we can anticipate and prepare for the worst case scenario. Some of the factors that account for the differences in our ability to manage this adaptively include neurodiversity and how much we practice alternative thinking patterns.

Let our thoughts go rogue and we'll quickly focus our attention on those that generate anger, which we then use to mobilize one h#&l of an argument! Rumination creates neural pathways that end up wiring together making it more likely we'll continue to do so.

Some of my most dynamite responses have come out of these imaginary arguments. I've launched attacks full of excellent & reasonable points, in a manner that's totally level-headed! I'm talking, zero "Um's" and no tears! So with all this rehearsal of eloquently expressed words worthy of a mic drop, how come we're having these convos in the shower instead of in person, with the actual person?

Likely generated from big emotions, this type of inner-monologue seems like a cross between rehearsal of assertiveness & a good old-fashioned vent session. We're meant to be looking to our emotions to gather info and plan our response. Anger is incredibly mobilizing (it generates all kinds of physiological shifts that prepare us for one giant burst of movement) and we naturally seek ways to make use of that energy. It's why we vent and feel a bit better but the problem remains unresolved; we've discharged some anger energy but failed to direct it toward the actual source of anger, usually a perceived violation. While the imaginary battle can help us to string together the words we'd like to use, we actually need to consider healthy steps toward addressing the issue.

So go ahead and fantasize about your perfect comeback or the points that you'd like to make. But shut it down after a few moments and evaluate what is assertive vs aggressive. Then make a plan to address the issue directly. You've got this.

Happy weekending,

Juliette