From Lapse to Learning

A lapse is part of the Cycle of Change, if managed well.

Whether we're working on a behavioural addiction or a substance addiction, putting together a relapse prevention plan is a BIG deal: it's not a one-size-fits-all tool, it's not just about that 'point of no return' moment, and it'll be revised often to incorporate what's learned from lapses.

A lapse is an episode of use, whereas a relapse is a return to old patterns where control has been lost.

It is expected that we experience lapses on our journey. The Cycle of Change considers a lapse as a part of the ongoing process rather than as a full do-over. A lapse is usually followed by feelings of disappointment, self-blame, or shame. Imagine the power that your words can have in supporting your loved one post-lapse:

I'm so glad you're okay.

I'm here if you'd like to talk.

I appreciate that you let me know. Thank you for trusting me.

We can understandably feel anger when a loved one lapses, which is valid. When we respond from that anger with well-meaning lectures however, we're more likely to contribute to a sense of hopelessness & shame, which keeps our loved one stuck. Compassion & encouragement can support their forward momentum. Rely on thoughtfully-established boundaries to protect you & your loved one from common pitfalls such as criticism, enabling, and heat-of-the-moment responses.

Our compassionate response supports our loved one in staying connected rather than withdrawing, which is essential in moving from lapse to learning. A lapse offers us the opportunity to uncover all the little gold nuggets of information we haven't yet learned about our addiction. This work is often done with a therapist:

Think back on the lapse. Rewind to earlier, earlier, earlier....There! Stop right there. What happened there? Is something missing? Was something going on?

Suspend your judgment for the moment (well, preferably for most moments) and reflect on your lapse with curiosity. Don't skimp on the details or skip over giant chunks of time:

What was your mood like that morning?

Was there a lot on your plate or mind?

Had you planned this, that & the other?

How did you come to have that on hand?

When did you first recognize the urge?

Look for shifts in the BIG picture:

Daily Habits

Health & Wellbeing

Connections & Supports

Planning Ahead

Urge Surfing

There is so much to be found & understood in examining a lapse. Keep connected, keep learning & keep moving forward.